It's 4:11 a.m., and I haven't slept yet. Mom woke up at around 1:30 a.m. and said she knew she was dying and wanted to make sure everything was taken care of. Dad and I assured her everything was fine and not to worry. I promised her I would take good care of Dad and make sure he stays out of trouble...she smiled at that.
She was worried about the rift in our family and wanted it to be over. I asked her if she wanted to make a phone call. Mom said yes. Dad and I had our reservations about it but one more olive branch wouldn't hurt. She was able to talk and say her good-byes and hear the words, I Love You, but sadly Dad and my olive branch was ignored again. I think Mom was aware of the slight, but we didn't say anything, pretending things were just fine... as she needs to be at peace. Dad and I are both very disappointed and disgusted that someone could be so utterly selfish, inconsiderate and unwilling to see the damage incurred through irresponsible words and actions. Dad and I have nothing but forgiveness in our hearts, but that forgiveness cannot be accepted unless the recipient is willing to take responsibility. We now know now that's not going to happen and will move on.
Her breathing is getting more and more shallow which is why I've not slept. I keep waiting for that last breath. She smiles from time to time in her sleep and I'm hoping she's reliving all the wonderful times she had throughout her life. We put the dogs in mom's bed early this morning and although her eyes weren't open, she knew they were there. She muttered both of their names and said she was going to miss them.
Mike and I's closest friends came over yesterday and spent several hours with mom and dad. Mom recognized them and was so happy they came to visit. They have been so good to her and dad and they don't know how much it's appreciated.
John arrives tomorrow from Seattle. It will be a bittersweet visit but his coming means so much to all of us, especially mom, who still remembers that he coming.
I know I'm ranting, but I'm tired, the time is close and I'm scared. Not just about losing mom, but for those who will be carrying regrets that could have been so easily avoided.
It's now 7:50 a.m., dad woke up so I'm going to take a nap.
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